As a child I grew up with the dreams of becoming “Materialistically successful “! When those uncles and aunties would ask me what I want to do when I grow up, I would have said i would make a lot more money for myself, have a big house, a grand car and go all around the luxurious places. They would pat my head and pull my chicks.
Then I started saying I wanted to become a House maker (do not refer homemaker) was not aware about the terms as Architect, Interior Designer, Builder & Engineer, because I liked to sketch houses – on the top of the mountain, in the jungle , by the waterfalls ,at the beach side ! I certainly didn’t want to become a doctor for I was trypanophobia, slapping my family doctor most of the times he would check and give me injections. I certainly didn’t want a slap on my face from a toddler if I become a doc. Neither did I want to become some chartered professional, for that just kinda sounded too boring to plan for the lifelong adventure, they smiled then.
During my adolescent, they would put the same question with an addition – how about something that you could continue after marriage? My reply was still unchanged and I didn’t want marriage! That was never the plan! They would laugh and say, you will!
After completing my post grads I started working to make money , to progress and in short period i started receiving appreciation letters, promotions boosting my confidence and ego. During this time, I had found love, which faded, may be because I was not on a parallel ground with the one! I still kept sketching, scribbling, started exploring life through viewfinder of the camera! And suddenly, I realized I was stressed most of the times to get my material needs fulfilled! I was neither happy nor Peaceful! I had to pause; I had to search what was that I want the most, if not this. I think it was that pen and paper in my hand then that told me that I wanted to be an artist painting, sketching, interior designing, photographing, a free soul roaming around, exploring places and stories of people, search for love, wonder in the imaginations, and build some beautiful memories for self, for people! It was always there, and I was the stupid one running behind the Mirage?! They said I was crazy!
Time has been wonderful; I can feel “me” fade beyond myself! The “things” needed, the “things” desired are changing! Now my art earns my bills and I feel more fulfilled. I do not have a Porsche, but I can still go around places in my mini car or public transports, I do not have my own house but have a home with people waiting for me with warmth in their heart, I do not have a big circle of people to party every night but I can still get crazy little arse with a tiny celebrated group of buddies I can count on any hour of time. I do not have a constant ringing phone nor am I too much attached or responsive to all social media, in fact a phone phobic, but I do enjoy sitting alone or with someone sharing coffee or food and chatting over things for endless hours! Yes, a companion is missing, a kid is missing, not for social pleasure or to receive “special treatment” but to give the love , to fulfill the motherhood I know I have in me, but may be the rotten side needs some more healing! May be more ego has to be altered, may be more damage has to be healed!
The more I lose myself, the more I come closer to me! Learning and fighting confusions between the mirage and reality has been The essence! You don’t find shadows during fall under the dry tree, either u walk till you reach the tree full of leaves or wait under the dry tree until the springs!